Um, can I have my pen back?

I'm a sucker for writing implements: pens (roller ball, gel & felt tip), mechanical pencils, markers and I believe I mentioned my college obsession with paint pens. Due to this, one of my biggest pet peeves is pen borrowing. Mainly because while most people have mastered the art of borrowing a pen, few have yet to acquire the skill of returning it.

Here's a perfect example that made my blood boil: one afternoon, I was sitting in Panera Bread eating lunch, but mostly taking advantage of their free Wi-Fi. That day, Panera was accepting applications for staff positions. They had set aside the big table for people to fill out apps and another couple of tables for brief interviews. I happened to be sitting across from the big table.

Well, I and my Broccoli Cheddar soup were minding our own business when a girl in a seriously tight Baby Phat t-shirt and jeans ensemble (her lucky job-hunting outfit?) approached my table and asked to borrow my pen. My first instinct was to claim that I didn't have a pen on me. Unfortunately, it was sitting in plain sight on the table (Dang it!). I could have still said no, but I'm not comfortable being that blatant a douche bag. So, I begrudgingly said, "sure" and handed over my precious, precious pen.

The whole time she filled out her application, I stole glances her way, ready to snatch back my pen the moment she finished. I also wondered if she thought wearing a t-shirt that exposed her midriff would give her the competitive edge she needed to obtain a job making sandwiches. But then I shook it off because her apparent ignorance of proper job-interview attire was really none of my business.

Anyway, she finally completed her app, and I half expected her to take the pen with her to the interviewing table (because I get it that people sometimes totally forget the pen that's in their hands). But she didn't do that. She set the pen down and walked away.

C'mon, really? It didn't jog her memory that the fancy pen she just sat on the table belonged to someone? Not once did she think, "Hey, where did I get this pen from?" OK, maybe she was focused on her upcoming interview. Or maybe she was distracted by the loss of circulation in her legs due to her tourniquet-tight jeans. (At a job interview! I can't stress that enough!)

In any case, my pen sat naked and alone on the table, but not for long. To add insult to injury, another applicant immediately sat down and started using my pen like it was Panera's community pen.

Now, I didn't blame the guy that was using my pen since he had no idea of what just happened. And I guess that I could have held off retrieving it until after he had completed his form. But surely I was not going to run the risk of having my pen passed from person to person until someone walked out with it!

We had finally reached the level of douche bag that I was comfortable being. So, I walked up to the guy, politely but firmly reacquired my pen and, on the way back to my table, punched Ms. Hot Thang in the back of her head 3 or 4 times during her interview. Then I calmly went back to my soup because you don't want those bread bowls to get too soggy.

Alright, I might have made up that head-punching part. It's not like she didn't deserve it, though.