Secret Agent Homeless Man

Last Saturday, as I was driving down 95th Street, I passed the boarded-up Dunkin Donuts near Ashland Avenue. (Actually, it's closer to Bishop Ave, but who's heard of Bishop?) It always surprises me to see it-- I have never seen a DD go out of business here in Chicago. I guess there are a number of reasons why this store went belly up. I know of one in particular that convinced me to take my business elsewhere.

The thing that I loved about this Dunkin Donuts is that it had a drive-through window. I could get my Dunkaccino fix without ever leaving the car.

I was doing just that one late evening several years ago. As I sat at the pay window waiting impatiently for my super-sized cup of sugar and caffeine, a homeless guy walked up to my driver side door, asking for spare change. I told him I didn't have any change, which was true. The only money I had on me was the $20 I just got out of the ATM. (No, I didn't tell him that part! Give me some credit!)

But then he just stood there. Suddenly, it occurred to me that it occurred to him that I would certainly have some change once I paid for my items. How nervy!

It's at this point that the cashier returned to the window for my payment. I looked at her, went "Uh...," then looked back at the homeless guy. That was my eloquent way of saying that I had no intention of flashing my cash to an audience. The cashier immediately leaned out of the window and said something like, "Is that homeless man back?"

And here's where it got surreal. Like some kind of homeless spy, he pressed himself flat against the brick wall of Dunkin Donuts, where the cashier couldn't see past the window's ledge. Then he placed a finger to his lips in a "Shh" manner for me to keep his location a secret.

Wait. How the heck did we become partners in this endeavor? Apparently, in Secret Agent Homeless Man's mind, I should join him in his fight against the tyranny of the Dunkin Donut cashier for the freedom of hassling her customers for money.

Well, no. Absolutely not. In this case, I am a big fan of tyranny. I can't get enough of Dunkin Donuts' iron-fisted authority. So, I immediately busted the guy out, and he went scampering into the night.

Needless to say, that was my LAST visit to that DD. And judging from the cashier's comments, SAHM was a regular visitor. Consequently, I'm pretty sure they lost a lot of customers that way.

I'd like the meal, hold the food.

Sometimes a person can have a lot on her mind. She can be juggling a mental list of errands that span from what she has to do that day, to the things she needs to do next week. Therefore, it is perfectly excusable if she accidentally does something that makes you not only question her sanity, but also wonder how she dresses herself in the morning. After all, she is normally an intelligent, quick-witted, smart, brilliant, clever and unassuming genius who hates to toot her own horn.

You do realize that this "she" is me, right?

Anyway, here are the details of my temporarily-stuck-on-stupid moment. I was going home after a long day of work and running errands. I had decided to stop by Wendy's drive-thru for a quick dinner, and then straight home. I still had to throw something in a bag because I was driving out of town at 5am the next morning. I was also working on a project for my upcoming family reunion, which involved several trips to Target and Walgreens, not to mention the countless man-hours I was putting in with all the cutting and pasting (I mean literally, with scissors and glue).

So all of this was going through my mind when I ordered and paid for my value meal, plus it was important to remember to get my debit card back with my receipt. The girl at the window handed me my card, receipt and pop. Great. I put everything away securely and pulled off. As luck would have it, there was a perfect opening in the rush hour traffic for me to jump in and speed off for home.

I'd driven about four blocks, still arranging in my head that evening's schedule of eating, packing and scrapbook-making, when I realized that I could not smell my food. As a matter of fact, I couldn't remember even receiving my food from the drive-thru lady. I then replayed the transaction in my mind: card, receipt, pop, pulled off... Dang it!

Do you know how difficult it is to make a three-point turn in rush hour traffic? Let me tell you, people in a hurry to get home do not want to be inconvenienced by some moron doing a traffic-clogging driving maneuver. Well, too damn bad! This moron left her paid-for food at the drive-thru, and she is going back to get it RIGHT NOW. Try not to burst a blood vessel during the 15 seconds it takes me to turn around.

The girl at the window was really sweet when I returned for my food. In other words, she managed not to laugh in my face when handing me my meal. But we all know she laughed afterwards. Well, as long as my stupidity gave her (and you) a moment's joy, then I guess I've done some good in the world. You're welcome.