Secret Agent Homeless Man

Last Saturday, as I was driving down 95th Street, I passed the boarded-up Dunkin Donuts near Ashland Avenue. (Actually, it's closer to Bishop Ave, but who's heard of Bishop?) It always surprises me to see it-- I have never seen a DD go out of business here in Chicago. I guess there are a number of reasons why this store went belly up. I know of one in particular that convinced me to take my business elsewhere.

The thing that I loved about this Dunkin Donuts is that it had a drive-through window. I could get my Dunkaccino fix without ever leaving the car.

I was doing just that one late evening several years ago. As I sat at the pay window waiting impatiently for my super-sized cup of sugar and caffeine, a homeless guy walked up to my driver side door, asking for spare change. I told him I didn't have any change, which was true. The only money I had on me was the $20 I just got out of the ATM. (No, I didn't tell him that part! Give me some credit!)

But then he just stood there. Suddenly, it occurred to me that it occurred to him that I would certainly have some change once I paid for my items. How nervy!

It's at this point that the cashier returned to the window for my payment. I looked at her, went "Uh...," then looked back at the homeless guy. That was my eloquent way of saying that I had no intention of flashing my cash to an audience. The cashier immediately leaned out of the window and said something like, "Is that homeless man back?"

And here's where it got surreal. Like some kind of homeless spy, he pressed himself flat against the brick wall of Dunkin Donuts, where the cashier couldn't see past the window's ledge. Then he placed a finger to his lips in a "Shh" manner for me to keep his location a secret.

Wait. How the heck did we become partners in this endeavor? Apparently, in Secret Agent Homeless Man's mind, I should join him in his fight against the tyranny of the Dunkin Donut cashier for the freedom of hassling her customers for money.

Well, no. Absolutely not. In this case, I am a big fan of tyranny. I can't get enough of Dunkin Donuts' iron-fisted authority. So, I immediately busted the guy out, and he went scampering into the night.

Needless to say, that was my LAST visit to that DD. And judging from the cashier's comments, SAHM was a regular visitor. Consequently, I'm pretty sure they lost a lot of customers that way.