He Thought It Was A Party Favor

So last Saturday, a bunch of us were at Regina's place for a small get-together-- or what I like to call her "Working is for Suckers" party. In case you haven't guessed from my self-imposed party theme, Gina quit the rat race to do her own thang for a little while. And this shindig was her friends' and family's way of wishing her well (while seething with jealousy).

The party was excellent. Everyone brought a ton of food. We talked and laughed. And Regina, ever the gracious hostess, made mixed drinks with her Magic Bullet for anyone who wanted one. I had some delicious pina-colada-type drink, which name has completely slipped my mind. (Sorry, Gina. I know you told me twice.)

Anyway, as all good things must come to an end, the party finally wound to a close. And since there was a ton of food, and only eight of us at the party, there was plenty left over. Naturally, some of us made To-Go plates. Actually, Gina insisted-- especially because at any given time, Regina has enough food packed into her fridge to host a dinner party for ten at a moment's notice.

But, understandably, there are limits to her generosity. That much was evident when I heard her indignantly ask, "What are you doing?" I look up to see another guest in the process of putting a half-full bottle of rum in a plastic bag.

In all of my years of experience in witnessing trifling To-Go plate behavior, this has got to be the most outrageous! And I've seen people bring tin foil (and no food) to a potluck picnic! Alcohol is NEVER a To-Go item! Why would it be? It doesn't need refrigeration and has no expiration date. What I'm saying is that there's no rush to consume it like, say, freshly made Taffy Apple Salad. (Thanks again, Gina! It was even better the second day!)

But wait! It gets even more trifling-er! I assumed that he contributed the rum and, in a fit of selfishness, decided to take the remainder home with him. BUT NO!!! Regina bought the rum herself! Why he thought he was entitled to half a pint of rum purchased by the host of the party is beyond me!

Which leads us to his response to Regina's justly perturbed inquiry. What was his reason for taking the booze? He blithely explained that he was taking the rum home to drink later.

Really?

C'mon, really?

Why stop there? He could have taken a few rolls of toilet paper from the bathroom to use for later. Or taken several packets of detergent from her laundry room. You know, to use for later. Once you eliminate the unspoken rule that To-Go items should be limited to perishable food, then the sky's the limit on the things you can help yourself to in your host's home: toothpaste, light bulbs, cosmetics, cold medication... Literally anything!

Anyway, Regina explained to her alcohol-absconding guest that he could have had ALL of the rum that he wanted during the party, but that's it. Funny thing is that earlier in the evening, she offered to make him a drink. Twice. Both times he refused. I guess you have to be in the mood for rum.

The cherry on top of this bizarro sundae is that the guest then had the audacity to act offended by Regina's refusal to allow him to scavenge through her belongings. He actually stomped out, leaving behind the person he came to the party with!

Well. I guess it's too bad that this was Gina's last foreseeable house party. I was starting to get a little low on shampoo.

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Rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated.

How many times have you watched a TV show and said, "That would NEVER happen in real life!"? I'm talking about shows where circumstances perfectly align to create the most ridiculous scenarios. Here's an example: the characters of a show mistakenly believe that another character has died, and all attempts to find the truth just lead to more and more confusion.

So many incredible details would have to fall into place for this to happen that this couldn't possibly occur in reality. The writers of this program should really reduce their daily crack intake.

But before we organize that intervention, I should mention that the above example was not taken from a hilariously macabre episode of Three's Company. This really happened to my nephew Steven.

Last Thursday, Steve and I were sitting around having a conversation, when his cell phone kept ringing. First it was his Dad, then one of his sisters. He nonchalantly mentioned that many of his siblings and cousins were trying to reach him because... wait for it... they heard he was dead.

To my credit, I managed to not swallow my tongue in shock and used it to ask what the hell he meant by that. He explained that an old friend of my Dad, "Mrs. Jones," heard that Steve had died in his sleep. In a coincidence that could only happen on TV, Mrs. Jones just happens to live on the same block as Steve's paternal grandmother. So, she contacted his grandmother to extend her condolences and get more details.

Understandably, Steve's grandma was very upset by this news, especially since it was coming from a neighbor and not a family member. I can only guess that she got on the phone and called everyone she knew to find if this was true. She couldn't call either me or my sister (Steve's Mom)-- who could have easily dispelled this rumor-- because we had changed our phone numbers a while back and never got around to giving it to her (our bad).

The family that Steve's grandma did get a hold of tried calling Steve on his cell, correctly assuming that a living Steven would answer his phone. But like a perfectly timed plot twist, Steve by this point was on the job, where he has to keep his cell off, and was thus unreachable.

Eventually, Steven gets off work, answers his 30 trillion voicemails and everything ends with a nice freeze-framed sitcom chuckle.

Except that it doesn't. Not yet. Mrs. Jones apparently was very thorough. I stated earlier that she was a friend of my father. Well, they became friends through our old church. So, when Mrs. Jones tried to find out more about Steve's demise, she didn't stop at family. She also called several old church members, some of whom are members of my current church.

By this past Sunday, the rumor had spread throughout my church. If I had gone to services that morning, I could have nipped it in the bud. But of course, my life is now a sitcom, and I skipped church that day. As a result, my sister and I found ourselves hosting a surprise afternoon visit by two well-meaning church members, who wanted to make sure we were "holding up in this time of loss." It would have been awkward if it wasn't so hilarious.

Well, I guess this finally ends this week's TV episode, titled "Steve's Cashed It In... Or Not." Let's hope it's not a two-parter.