Financial Advice FROM Dummies

Sadly, I know very little about finance, investments and/or the stock market. And I'm the first to admit that I could benefit from sound financial advice. However, it doesn't take a genius to tell the difference between good advice and the warped (read: illegal) recommendations from the functionally insane.

My former coworker, Brian, passed a gem onto me that I thought I would share. You may remember Brian as the guy who thought it was perfectly legal to sell photocopies of textbooks to the students of the local college where we both once worked (using the college's copy machine, no less!). I guess you can best describe him as a dangerous combination of drive and ineptness.

Anyway, Brian and I were sitting around one slow afternoon talking about... um... Shoot, I can't remember! But it was definitely about something I couldn't afford, because that's why Brian advised me on a "good way" to get some fast cash. And not just any advice, but something that he's road-tested himself!

The Advice:

• Write a check to yourself from your own checkbook. (Is your checking account at a zero balance? That's cool. Write that bad boy anyway!)


• Deposit the check back into the same account via your bank's ATM machine. (Fortunately, an ATM can't tell the difference between a real deposit and this rubber-tastic one.)


• Use the same ATM to withdraw a portion of the funds. (Of course, this was back during the halcyon days when ATMs let you withdraw money from current deposits. Why can't you do that anymore? This is why.)


• Congratulations, you are now flush with funds! Spend it as wisely as you obtained it!

Wow. Just wow. I mean, I'm not a criminal mastermind, but with Google's help, I do know that most check kiting scams involve two or more banks-- so that there's a delay before the scammers are found out. But if you perpetrate fraud on only one bank, then it will take them less than a day to discover that you are a scheming moron.

When asked, Brian told me that the bank refrained from pressing criminal charges (maybe because the damages were less than $1000), but his account was immediately closed (surprise!), and since then he had been unable to open a new checking account anywhere else.

The kicker is that he was recommending this plan to me. He still thought this was a good idea in case of an emergency. I can't imagine what that emergency could be. Maybe I'm in desperate need of the free room and board offered by Cook County Jail, but I'm too squeamish to assault somebody?

You know, I haven't seen Brian in several years. Maybe he had one "good" idea too many.

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Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200.

The American Dream of achieving prosperity through ingenuity and hard work is still alive and well. However, when you combine this with someone who is functionally insane (or maybe just not the sharpest knife in the drawer-- it's sometimes hard to tell the difference), the results are often entertaining. And illegal.

The borderline-criminal act in question occurred back when I worked at a local college. One afternoon I went to the copier room to make use of the machine, but it was already occupied by my coworker, Brian. Whatever I had was not urgent, so I decided to just come back at a later time.

An hour or so went by, and I returned to the copier room, only to find Brian still there making copies. Nothing about our jobs required us to be tied to the copy machine for that long. If that was the case, our employer would make us hand over our shoelaces and all sharp objects at the start of each work day. So, obviously he was working on something personal. And massive. There was a good story behind this marathon usage of the copier. I HAD to know.

I managed to pry Brian off the copier and asked him what in the Sam Hill was he doing. He explained that he had devised a brilliant plan for making extra cash. He had a textbook for one of the classes that the college was offering that semester (I assumed he had taken the class in a previous semester). His plan was to make copies to sell to students that were taking the course. He was so excited about the profit margin of this little venture that he was even contemplating buying textbooks for additional classes and selling copies of them.

There were SO many things wrong with his plan that I sat silently for several seconds deciding what to tackle first. I chose to start small. I pointed out that while most businesses look the other way when their employees make the occasional personal photocopy, they tend to blow a gasket when an employee abuses company resources in order to subsidize his side business. And, in fact, if our company knew that he had just burned through over 80 sheets of paper and no telling how much toner, they would fire him on the spot. And then they would fire the spot.

Next, I introduced Brian to the term "copyright infringement." It was apparently a new concept for him that a book company (not to mention the bookstore and the authors) wouldn't want some Joe Blow from off the street to sell their product without permission. It was understandable that he did not know the exact term for his misdeed. (Actually, it's not understandable, but go with me on this.) However, he should have at least known that his plan wasn't strictly legal. I guess he was too busy counting the big piles of money he thought he was going to make.

Brian was a little disappointed that I had crushed his get-slightly-richer-quick plan. Still, he was grateful that I had stumbled upon him first and not someone with keys to the pink-slip drawer. I was happy to help. It was important to help Brian understand the legal implications of his actions. Plus, it gave me the opportunity to laugh at his attempt at entrepreneurship. Of course, it was mostly about the helping. The laughs were just extra.

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