The Mens Room: An Adventure in Stupidity

First, let's start off with a brief introduction. Hi, my name is Diana, and I am a girl. Okay, now that we have that established, let me tell you about my first (and absolutely, positively LAST) visit to a Mens Room.

At this particular temp position, my desk was almost directly across from the Mens Room, with the Ladies Room waaaaay on the other side of the floor.

So, it's the end of the day, and I'm gathering my stuff to leave when I figure it's a good idea to make a quick pit stop. I look at my watch-- I've got about 10 minutes until my shuttle leaves. By the time I make the monumental trek to the restroom and back to the elevators, there's a good chance I may miss my bus, and then I'd have to wait a whole 15 minutes at the job for the next one. UNACCEPTABLE. All the while, I keep eyeing that Mens Room door across the aisle from me. Man, wouldn't it be convenient if that was the Ladies Room?!

Hmm... Well, this is the end of the day, and it is a Friday. Practically everyone has long gone. As a matter of fact, it's been at least 15-20 minutes since anyone has walked past my desk (which is on the way out). I could just zip in, take care of a little quick business, and zip right back out without anyone being the wiser. Piece of cake!

Phase One of my plan (Zip In!) is executed without a hitch. However, I've almost completed Phase Two (Taking Care of Business!) when my plan goes right into the crapper-- pun intended. I hear the door open and someone walks in. I'm almost 99% sure it's a guy (it being the Mens Room, and all). This jumps to 100% when I hear him walk up to and use the urinal. Fortunately, there's a wall that separates the stalls from the urinals, so I can't see his legs, and more importantly, he can't see mine! I hold my breath the entire time the guy is in there, and I breathe a sigh of relief when he finally exits.

Whew! Okay. I can't get too relaxed because I still have one more phase to my Once-a-Piece-of-Cake-but-Now-a-Piece-of-Something-Else-Entirely Plan. In other words, I still need to Zip Out! This, however, has now become the most difficult part of the plan. I don't want to leave too soon and run into the guy that just left. And I don't want to wait too long and run the risk of bumping into another male patron with a full bladder.

I dither for an eternity (probably a minute), and then rush out. (And no I don't stop to wash my hands. That got sacrificed for the greater good. Besides, that's why they invented hand sanitizer!) When I get back to my desk, I look around. No one has seen me. Hurray! Phase Three was a success. And I still managed to get out in time to catch my shuttle!

So, did the ends justify the means? No, no and NO! I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever visit a Mens Room again. Ever.

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