Strange Call of the Day

Me: Thank you for calling blah, blah, blah, how can I help you?

Caller: This is Xxxxx Xxxxx, son of [Nobody I've hear of].  I am the owner of the Atlantic Ocean as well as Lake Michigan. 

Me: ???

Caller:  I want to provide you with my new address, just in case you need to get ahold of me.  It's...

Me:  Excuse me, I need to get you to the right department to update your address.  What type of account do you have?

Caller:  Oh, I don't have an account here that I know of.  But just in case my family may have set one up at some point I should provide you with a current address.

Me:  ...

I guess Free WiFi makes it A-OK!

There are many things that I like about Panera Bread.  Their coffee is delicious, and I love how it is self-serve so that I can mix the coffee blends and add as much half-n-half as I want (which is so much that I don't think you can legitimately define it as a cup of coffee any longer).  I also enjoy their variety of pastries, bagels and accompaning cream cheeses.  And there is one other thing that is great about Panera...  What is that again...?

Oh yeah, their WiFi.  Their absolutely FREE WiFi.

Panera Bread was one of the first establishments to offer this, which, during the days of dial-up internet connections, was a miracle from on high!  Do you remember how much of a pain in the ass it was to load your friends' Myspace pages using a dial-up connection?  Especially if they had backgrounds, music and GIFs running non-stop all over their pages?  Ugh!  Fortunately, dial-up (and Myspace) has pretty much gone the way of Betamax.  And yet, Panera's free WiFi still comes in handy when I want to download newly purchased books onto my Kindle, or when I want to save my data plan when I go online with my cellphone.

So why does it sound like I'm building up to a BUT?  It's because I am.  Let me now expose my BUT (har-har):

I love going to Panera Bread, BUT buying their meals is HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

Some food establishments have the complaint of having skimpy meals (I'm looking at you Long John Silvers!).  Others have the complaint of having overly high priced meals (be prepared to take out a Payday Loan if you want guacamole added to your Burrito Bowl at Chipotle's).  Panera Bread has the dubious distinction of having entrees that are both skimpy AND expensive!

Let me show you what I mean:

This is the Barbecue Chicken Flatbread Sandwich with a side of Potato Chips.  This tiny, tiny little meal cost me $7.99!  That exhorbitant price DID NOT include my fountain drink, which was another dollar and change.  So, in all, this meal (which I made a concentrated effort to slowly eat over the span of ten minutes) set me back ALMOST TEN DOLLARS!!!

This was my first time ordering a flatbread sandwich at Panera Bread.  Needless to say, it will be my last.  Don't get me wrong.  It was delicious.  All six bites of it.  But I was hoping for a little more bang for my eight bucks.

From now on, I'm going to stick with the coffee and bagels.  I feel like I'm getting my money's worth out of those menu items (particularly when I get the Free Coffee Refills).  And I plan to use the Hell out of their WiFi to make up for the travesty that was my Flatbread Sandwich debacle.

Why, thank you vending machine! You're a peach!

Sometimes you just have a taste for Flamin' Hot Cheetos, you know what I'm saying?  YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?!  Of course you do.  Everyone enjoys the searing, tongue-burning, somewhat-excruciating deliciousness of Flamin' Hots!

Recently, I was in just such a mood to do grievous bodily harm to my taste buds.  So after work, I decided to buy a bag from our brand new, but kinda creepy, vending machine.  The picture above does not really convey the creepiness.  It doesn't have its own internal light source like most vending machines, which gives it a spooky, haunted look when you walk up to (especially alone, at the end of the day... should I have brought Holy water?).

Oh, I exaggerate!  A little bit of spookiness is not going to keep me from getting my corn snack that is a type of red that could not possibly occur in nature!  So, I put A WHOLE FREAKIN' DOLLAR into the machine for my Flamin' Hot Cheetos.  I watch the cork screw thingy turn to release my bag.  It gets about half way around, then... stops.  With my Cheetos still caught, DOG GONE IT!

My first instinct-- like anyone elses-- is to shake the vending machine in order to free my trapped Cheetos.  But they bolt these machines to the floor now, and shoving them usually ends with a bruised shoulder, hurt feelings and NO CHEETOS.  I'm mulling this over when I hear change dropping into the coin slot, which is strange.  I put in the exact amount (I repeat: A WHOLE FREAKIN' DOLLAR!), so I shouldn't be getting any change back.

I reach into the coin slot, and pull out four quarters.  The machine has given me a dollar in change.  Hold on... somehow this vending machine has realized that it did not give me my item AND HAS DECIDED TO REFUND MY MONEY OF ITS OWN ACCORD.

Well, that's just...  Wow.  Just, wow.

Maybe this is the new thing: smart vending machines.  However, I Googled "vending machines" and "refund," and the only results I got were site after site about the best ways to obtain a refund because their sorry-excuse-for-a-vending-machine was DEFINITELY NOT giving them their items OR their money back.  I guess this type of machine is too new to have articles about it yet.  Or maybe the reason my machine has no light source inside of it is because there was no more room for one, once it was packed full of Compassion.

Anyway, Flamin' Hot Cheetos MUST BE HAD (There is no try!), so I plunk those quarters back into the vending machine, and this time I finally get my little bag of I'll-never-get-this-red-dust-off-of-my-fingertips goodness!

But I think that I got more than just my Flamin' Hots.  I also got a bit of proof that there is still good in this world.  And all for a (WHOLE FREAKIN') dollar. 

Aw, I miss you guys...

Once upon a time, my head used to be FULL of funny anecdotes.  And weird/funny/lucille ball-esque events happened to me with alarming regularity.  Now... nothing.  And I miss that so much!  Maybe it's still happening, but I've been too worn down by life to notice them. 

Well, I'm making a promise to myself (and by extension, to you) to wake up and open my eyes.  Life is a funny, unpredictable, glorious thing.  And I WILL NOT ignore it any longer!  Plus, I will make with the funny at more regular intervals... damn it!

So, there!  Later, people.

Diana

Facey Smiles!

So, a client calls me to get a fax number to a particular department.  I provide it for her.  After a pause, the client says "Oh, I already had it here on this business card.  It was next to this word.. facey smiles."

I'm gonna let that sink in for a minute.

Is the word 'Fax' so overused that the average person no longer recognizes that it is short for Facsimile?  Or am I just acting like a Snobby McKnow-it-All?  Probably a bit of both.

I did pronounce 'facsimile' correctly for her and explained that 'fax' is just an abbreviation of that.  But I gotta tell you, I liked her pronunciation better.  It put a smile on my facey.

Maybe it's you!

I got an angry caller this morning.  He was frustrated that every time he tried to fax documents to one of my company's fax machines, he would receive a communications error.  He explained to me through gritted teeth that he had been trying the number for an hour without success.

Well, you know, these things happen.  One day a fax machine is working; the next it isn't.  I am of the belief that they are full of magic.  And elves.  So who knows why they just up and decide to malfunction.  What I'm saying is that I was entirely sympathetic with this guy's predicament.  I apologized and provided him with an alternate fax number.  After several minutes of answering the same question twenty different times (Him: "Does this fax number go to the same department?  Are sure this department will receive my documents if I fax it to this alternate number?  So, faxing my paperwork to this new fax number will get it to the department that I want?"  Me: "Yes, yes, YES!!!"), the guy was reassured enough to get the heck off of my phone.

Two hours of my day passes.  He calls back.  He is SUPER irate because now he has been trying for three hours to fax us documentation without success.  He states that the alternate fax number that I gave him is giving him communication errors as well.  And he wants to know WHAT IS WRONG WITH OUR FAX MACHINES.

Hmmm... OK.

He has attempted to reach two different fax machines on two completely separate phone lines, and he believes that both are malfunctioning at the same time?  What are the odds of that?  Surely it can't be a problem with HIS fax machine.  It MUST be our machines' fault!  Maybe our magical fax machine elves are on strike.  Do magical elves form labor unions? 

Anyway, I could have pointed out the guy's stupidity, but I didn't.  I like my job.  And I like how it pays my bills and keeps me with a steady supply of Sangria.  So, I sent the guy over to the Department of Evil, Malfunctioning, Elf Union-Striking Fax Machines, where he could hiss through his teeth at them.  Done and done.

By the way, today is my birthday.  Yay!  That means that I have attained another year's worth of maturity.  Hahahahaha!  Yeah, right.  Anyone who believes that is not reading my blog. 

Accidentally Stalking TV's Frank

Once upon a time, there was this completely awesome show called Mystery Science Theater 3000.  It was awesome.   (Did I just mention that?  Well, it bears repeating.)  It consisted of a guy and two puppets making fun of really bad movies.  It was the best show.  Ever.

Unfortunately, even fantastically brilliant shows must come to an end, as did this one.  The good news is that several of the original cast members have banded together to create the road show Cinematic Titanic.  The puppets are gone, but the biting wit is still intact.  It is... wait for it... awesome.

So, last weekend CT did a double feature in Elgin, IL, which is a mere hours drive from me.  Kerry and I plunked down a sizable chunk of money, hopped in my car and off we went!  Now, I've never driven to Elgin before, and I've certainly never been to the Elgin Community College (where CT was showing).  Therefore, once my GPS got me to the campus I was a bit lost.

Well, Kerry and I were driving through a parking lot on campus, trying to decide which building was hosting CT, when we approached a lone person walking down the pedestrian way.  Kerry said, "Hey, that guy looks just like TV's Frank."  For those of you who are not MST3k fans, TV's Frank is Frank Conniff, a comedian and writer who played one of the Mad Scientists, appropriately named TV's Frank, on the show.

The guy was wearing all black and had a shock of white hair.  Just like Frank Conniff.  I agreed with Kerry that this guy totally looked like him and wondered to myself if people were dressing in costume for Cinematic Titanic.  No one did at the last CT we attended, but this is October.  Maybe it's a Halloween thing. 

As we flew past the guy, we got a better look at him and realized it truly was Frank Conniff, not some Frank Conniff impersonator.  (Are there Frank Conniff impersonators?  There should be.  They'd be great at MiSTie parties!)  With only a few moments of hesitation, I threw my car in reverse and drove BACKWARDS to catch up to him again.  Kerry then said something like, "Are you really going to go back to him?  What will you say to him?"  I replied, "I don't know... something."  I had no idea what I would say, but I certainly wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to at least blather like an idiot to a famous person.  Call it my life's passion.

I managed to catch up to him without running him over (I'm not the best reverse driver).  Kerry lowered his window, and we immediately yelled, "TV's Frank!!!"  (In retrospect, Kerry mentioned that it would probably have been better to call him by his actual name, but then we decided that he was probably used to being called his character's name, anyway.) 

He was really nice-- saying, "Hi, are you guys here for the show?  Well, thanks for coming!"  We exchanged pleasantries for several more seconds, but I don't remember any of it because my head was buzzing, "You're talking to TV's Frank, and he's acknowledging your existence!  YAY!"  Then we drove off before things got creepy.

Kerry and I were congratulating ourselves on our audacity, when we came upon a construction fence.  Obviously not the way to get to the building we needed.  The only way was to go back.  Past Frank Conniff.  Again.  Remember him?  The guy walking alone in an empty parking lot when he was accosted by two of his stalkers/fans in a car?  Yeah, that guy.

We also still did not know which building we were supposed to attend.  Kerry jokingly said, "Maybe we can ask him for directions."  But we laughed that off because we both knew that approaching him again on that lonely stretch of campus would be too stalkerific.  So I circled around and drove briskly past Mr. Conniff this time, attempting to give off the impression that I was too busy handling my business and ABSOLUTELY NOT FOLLOWING HIM.  We managed to find the correct building without resorting to misdemeanor harassment, and the rest of the evening went well.

After the shows, the artists (Narrators?  Comedians?  Connoisseurs of Bad Movies?) sat at a table for autograph signing.  And believe it or not, FRANK CONNIFF RECOGNIZED US FROM EARLIER!!!  How incredible is that?!  I tried to be all witty by saying that Kerry and I were going to offer him candy to get into our car, but we felt it was too soon in the relationship.

His response?  "Darn, and I was in the mood for candy!"

Best.  Night.  Ever.