I guess Free WiFi makes it A-OK!

There are many things that I like about Panera Bread.  Their coffee is delicious, and I love how it is self-serve so that I can mix the coffee blends and add as much half-n-half as I want (which is so much that I don't think you can legitimately define it as a cup of coffee any longer).  I also enjoy their variety of pastries, bagels and accompaning cream cheeses.  And there is one other thing that is great about Panera...  What is that again...?

Oh yeah, their WiFi.  Their absolutely FREE WiFi.

Panera Bread was one of the first establishments to offer this, which, during the days of dial-up internet connections, was a miracle from on high!  Do you remember how much of a pain in the ass it was to load your friends' Myspace pages using a dial-up connection?  Especially if they had backgrounds, music and GIFs running non-stop all over their pages?  Ugh!  Fortunately, dial-up (and Myspace) has pretty much gone the way of Betamax.  And yet, Panera's free WiFi still comes in handy when I want to download newly purchased books onto my Kindle, or when I want to save my data plan when I go online with my cellphone.

So why does it sound like I'm building up to a BUT?  It's because I am.  Let me now expose my BUT (har-har):

I love going to Panera Bread, BUT buying their meals is HIGHWAY ROBBERY!

Some food establishments have the complaint of having skimpy meals (I'm looking at you Long John Silvers!).  Others have the complaint of having overly high priced meals (be prepared to take out a Payday Loan if you want guacamole added to your Burrito Bowl at Chipotle's).  Panera Bread has the dubious distinction of having entrees that are both skimpy AND expensive!

Let me show you what I mean:

This is the Barbecue Chicken Flatbread Sandwich with a side of Potato Chips.  This tiny, tiny little meal cost me $7.99!  That exhorbitant price DID NOT include my fountain drink, which was another dollar and change.  So, in all, this meal (which I made a concentrated effort to slowly eat over the span of ten minutes) set me back ALMOST TEN DOLLARS!!!

This was my first time ordering a flatbread sandwich at Panera Bread.  Needless to say, it will be my last.  Don't get me wrong.  It was delicious.  All six bites of it.  But I was hoping for a little more bang for my eight bucks.

From now on, I'm going to stick with the coffee and bagels.  I feel like I'm getting my money's worth out of those menu items (particularly when I get the Free Coffee Refills).  And I plan to use the Hell out of their WiFi to make up for the travesty that was my Flatbread Sandwich debacle.

Why, thank you vending machine! You're a peach!

Sometimes you just have a taste for Flamin' Hot Cheetos, you know what I'm saying?  YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?!  Of course you do.  Everyone enjoys the searing, tongue-burning, somewhat-excruciating deliciousness of Flamin' Hots!

Recently, I was in just such a mood to do grievous bodily harm to my taste buds.  So after work, I decided to buy a bag from our brand new, but kinda creepy, vending machine.  The picture above does not really convey the creepiness.  It doesn't have its own internal light source like most vending machines, which gives it a spooky, haunted look when you walk up to (especially alone, at the end of the day... should I have brought Holy water?).

Oh, I exaggerate!  A little bit of spookiness is not going to keep me from getting my corn snack that is a type of red that could not possibly occur in nature!  So, I put A WHOLE FREAKIN' DOLLAR into the machine for my Flamin' Hot Cheetos.  I watch the cork screw thingy turn to release my bag.  It gets about half way around, then... stops.  With my Cheetos still caught, DOG GONE IT!

My first instinct-- like anyone elses-- is to shake the vending machine in order to free my trapped Cheetos.  But they bolt these machines to the floor now, and shoving them usually ends with a bruised shoulder, hurt feelings and NO CHEETOS.  I'm mulling this over when I hear change dropping into the coin slot, which is strange.  I put in the exact amount (I repeat: A WHOLE FREAKIN' DOLLAR!), so I shouldn't be getting any change back.

I reach into the coin slot, and pull out four quarters.  The machine has given me a dollar in change.  Hold on... somehow this vending machine has realized that it did not give me my item AND HAS DECIDED TO REFUND MY MONEY OF ITS OWN ACCORD.

Well, that's just...  Wow.  Just, wow.

Maybe this is the new thing: smart vending machines.  However, I Googled "vending machines" and "refund," and the only results I got were site after site about the best ways to obtain a refund because their sorry-excuse-for-a-vending-machine was DEFINITELY NOT giving them their items OR their money back.  I guess this type of machine is too new to have articles about it yet.  Or maybe the reason my machine has no light source inside of it is because there was no more room for one, once it was packed full of Compassion.

Anyway, Flamin' Hot Cheetos MUST BE HAD (There is no try!), so I plunk those quarters back into the vending machine, and this time I finally get my little bag of I'll-never-get-this-red-dust-off-of-my-fingertips goodness!

But I think that I got more than just my Flamin' Hots.  I also got a bit of proof that there is still good in this world.  And all for a (WHOLE FREAKIN') dollar. 

Aw, I miss you guys...

Once upon a time, my head used to be FULL of funny anecdotes.  And weird/funny/lucille ball-esque events happened to me with alarming regularity.  Now... nothing.  And I miss that so much!  Maybe it's still happening, but I've been too worn down by life to notice them. 

Well, I'm making a promise to myself (and by extension, to you) to wake up and open my eyes.  Life is a funny, unpredictable, glorious thing.  And I WILL NOT ignore it any longer!  Plus, I will make with the funny at more regular intervals... damn it!

So, there!  Later, people.

Diana